This is the continuation of the previous article:
My father was playing a very important role within the whole mind construct of "not being good enough". He was bringing it up to the surface many times but I didn't see it this way. I have not reflected it back to myself but instead I was reacting towards his comments and remarks and I was judging him. Now I understand it.
One of the situations which was repeating itself with my father quite often was when he was giving me examples of other people trying to show how good they are, how hard they work etc. His intention within that was to try to motivate me to be like them - work harder and try to achieve something in life like other people. According to him this was supposed to motivate me but to me it was only pissing me off that he doesn't appreciate what I am doing already even though what I was doing was much more then the people that he was comparing me to. Within this I can see now red flags:
1. I am reacting to his remarks and comments in anger and disbelief.
2. I compare myself to other people.
3. And I can also see the "seeds" of the belief that I am not good enough.
Another type of situations was when I was having a confrontation with my father during which he was eventually exploding in anger and shouting at me that I am nothing and he was trying to prove his point by bringing the question about what I have achieved in my life and here he was referring to material possessions of this world ( amount of money, house, car, job etc. ). And within that I have reacted many times. But my reaction was not so much of shouting and screaming in anger at him and instead I have made the decision in my mind - still with anger - that I am going to show him and prove to him that I will do even more then he did. Again I have not reflected it back to myself but instead I have reacted and acted on it which took me on a long ride within the mind cycle. And the red flags within these situations are as follow:
1. Again comparing myself to other people.
2. Reacting and acting in anger and suppressing the anger.
3. Accepting the belief that I am not good enough.
I also remember that I have caught myself on many occasions comparing myself to my father by comparing my financial incomes with his. And this shows that within my mind I was trying to prove all the time on the outside that I am not "not good enough". I have not reflected and I have not investigated it on the inside ( within my mind ) but I was trying to prove on the outside that this statement of my father and also the belief about myself within my mind ( which I didn't want to see ) was not true.
Then I also see now many other situations when I was trying to prove that I am better then my father and it was all reflected in my body language, in my words and behavior towards him, I was very attentive to look at his mistakes and point them out to him etc. And of course through this I was trying to prove that the belief which I formed about myself is not true.
To be continued...