Today - with the help of a friend - I have discovered a pattern which has been playing a big role in my life. It has been there flowing "unseen" by me under the surface of the river of thoughts within my mind yet it was shaping and controlling my life and I have given self-willingly my power away to it.
And this pattern that I have been living for such a long time was this: "I am not good enough".
When I retrospect my life in the last 20-30 years ( but maybe it was even there longer - probably since the moment of birth or maybe even prior to that ), I can see now how it was playing out in my life and how I have tried to proof to myself and others ( including my father, my partners etc ) through my actions on the outside that I am not that.
Probably you will ask me: "How is it possible that I didn't see the pattern yet I was trying to proof that I am not that ?".
Well... the explanation is simple. The Self is always aware of this things but yet my definition of self ( the way I have defined myself as ego through the mind - the illusion of me/the Self ) didn't want to see it and I tried to proof on the outside that this is not true. Of course there were multiple occasions in my life when I have looked at this belief but then I have not investigated it and I have let it sink under the surface and I have continued to try to proof on the outside that I am not that which means that I have tried to proof that I am good enough through my actions and deeds. Thus this core belief was flowing under the surface controlling my life and I have let it be there self-willingly.
But the funny thing is ( it is funny now when I see it and realize it but in reality it is a big fuck up and not funny at all ) that I could never find the proof of it. Well... there were few moments in my life when I felt that I have proven to myself that I am good enough but yet it was only short lived and not satisfying 100% and I continued to find another way to prove that I am good enough. And the reason for it was because I continued to feed my belief with more and more energy and soon after I have proven something to myself, this belief was challenging my ego and demanding to find more proof. And so my story and my pattern were recreating themselves time after time because I have not addressed the core of the problem.
It is very interesting shit. And it is an example of how I have allowed myself - and others do the same - to be imprisoned not by somebody out there ( e.g. government, police etc ) but by myself and my limiting and false beliefs which I create in my mind about myself.
To be continued...