I am catching up with posting online my articles.
In the last couple of days I have focused on doing breathing with awareness. Although I forget about it quite often, I see gradual improvement with it. And that is really cool. But then there is something like:
"WTF do I have to push myself to do something like this instead of letting it be automatic and effortless like it used to be always and do it like everybody else ?"
And then there is the point which I have mentioned many times in my articles that there is nothing to motivate me. There is nothing to look forward. There is no emotional high. There is no money. I have to push myself to do it and I don't even know what to expect. You'll know... I have all the logical explanation of why I should do it and this is the reason why I do it but still there is this strange emptiness and nothingness behind it. There is nothing outside of me that would push me or pull towards it.
And I don't know how long it is going to take ???
I don't know whether it will be always like this that I have to push myself even though I don't want to do it sometimes because it is "too much effort" ???
Or maybe it will become easier in the future ???
Or maybe it will become automatic for me to breathe with full awareness all the time effortlessly ???
WTF am I doing to myself ?!?!?!
Instead of having normal and comfortable life ?!?!?!?!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!