I am catching up with posting online my articles.
Yesterday I found a cockroach on the floor on his back and he couldn't turn around. I thought that I will try to help him with my hand but I still did not want to do it because of the reaction of disgust and fear that he will run like a crazy on my body. Maybe the word crazy is not appropriate in this case because I would like to be in control of where this cockroach walks over my body. And in the beginning I would prefer that he stays on my hand only. Anyway I have helped him with my shoe and I carried him outside to the garden. When I was there I decided to give it a go with my hand. But the cockroach jumped away to the garden.
Today I have seen a big cockroach in my kitchen. I have decided to put my hand next to him and see if he will walk on my hand. But he ran away. Well... he is probably scared of me or he is not accustomed that a human approaches him without wanting to kill him. If he doesn't want to walk onto my hand then I will not force him and cause him unnecessary fear and instead I will work with my reactions and I will try again gently.
Anyway I start to see some changes in my behaviour towards cockroaches. First I have become aware of my emotional reactions and now - once I am aware of them - I try to stop the automatic reaction of disgust and fear of not being in control of where this cockroach is going to walk on my body. Apart from this I start to see and admire how the cockroach moves and turns quickly instead of seeing only a "disgusting big fat insect".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that cockroach is disgusting without investigating the facts of reality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that cockroach walks - just like other insects - on the same surface and thus he is no more dirty or disgusting than other insects; and within this I realise that my reaction of disgust towards the cockroaches is caused by a belief within my mind which I have accepted unconditionally without investigating the facts of reality about the cockroaches.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that cockroach is an expression of life in its body form and instead I have accepted unconditionally a belief that cockroach is a disgusting pest and thus I have allowed myself to kill it when I see it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, disgust and panic when the cockroach has touched me; within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I have formed within my mind an illusionary belief about the cockroach that he is disgusting and dirty and my automated reaction is a consequence of this belief and giving it my power.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admire and respect cockroach as another form of life and instead I have judged cockroach as disgusting and dirty.
To be continued...