Catching up with posting online my articles because of being fed up with the working on the computer. I am witting my articles every day as part of my commitment... just posting is lagging...
I have found myself in the last 2 weeks in some kind of stagnation which was manifesting itself as being fed up with my daily job, with my work on the computer and feeling tired. In the beginning I thought that it has all to do with the fact that I have been working a lot in the last few weeks and thus I have reduced my work and I have tried to take more time for myself and to rest.
Yesterday I have identified 2 elements which could also be related to my state of being tired and fed with work. First of them is that I am working a lot but still I cannot fully enjoy the benefits of my work because I need to pay my debts. It all sucks because in the normal circumstances I would be able to take holidays and be relaxed about the money. But this time my body needs the rest but unfortunately I have to continue to work to be able to pay for my rent, food etc despite of my tiredness and being fed up with it. In the end I cannot do much about it and simply continue to work because complaining about it is not going to change anything.
The second element - which is quite interesting - is that I have stopped a certain pattern within my life and I am sure that this change and adjusting myself and my body to it, plays a big role in my state of being tired lately. Thus the pattern which I am talking about is as follows:
First I go up and then I find something destructive or something which I regret to get me really down and when I get down then this gives me motivation to work hard to get myself up again. And this time I have somehow stopped this pattern of letting myself to go down. Thus for example in the past I would be masturbating while watching porn quite frequently for few days and when I feel tired and regretful for doing it then I get myself motivated to work hard again and push myself up. Another example would be my training at the gym. "Normally" I would stop going to the gym for a week or 2 and when I feel guilty then I go back again. But this time is different because I have been training regularly for the last 9 weeks without this kind of break.
Now... this kind of up and down pattern is actually quite common but many people don't realize about it - just like me. I was repeating it, living it, having it literally in front of my eyes but yet I was not aware / conscious of it. I was playing it and being controlled by it.
What is my next step ?
Well... for sure I will try to stop all that would get me down which will stop the pattern and instead I will dedicate this time to have rest and spend time in the nature, which without any doubt will help me to recuperate. And for example I went to the mountains and to the beach today and I already see the benefits of it. I am still feeling fed up with my work etc. but I will simply do what I need to do and breathe. I will push myself through it and see what will happen.
To be continued...